It wasn’t me

Some of you may know this story. Most, do not. I will launch into it. My mother is an alcoholic and has been for about 5 years now. As most it has been a growing disease.. she started out small and got increasingly worse. I watched.. not knowing what to do or how to help.

 

I guess I should start from the beginning. My mother and I were best friends growing up. With my dad on business trips a great deal, it was mom and I against the world. When I was beginning highschool, we moved to North Carolina, and I began to watch my parent’s marriage dissolve.  I won’t get into vast details about that since the problem really started later. But, it bares mentioning since the deterioration began then. Mom and dad finally separated and divorced. I was 17.. and heartbroken. I went about my own self-destructive path.. and watched as my mom just lost control.

 

She dated several different men… wanting approval above all else. From them, from me, from the world. I had nothing to give her. I was done. The tables had turned and I was suddenly thrust into a motherly role and she, into the child’s role. I couldn’t handle it and the distance grew. I began to grow further and further away .. and she started to drink.  Now, I didn’t think anything of it at first. I hadn’t grown up around alcohol. The most I had ever really seen was my dad having a beer every now and then at dinner while we were out. Maybe 5-6 times my entire childhood. I had never seen my mom drink. EVER.

 

 

Mom finally met a man, who she is now married to. He drank.. it was part of his routine. He came home from work, had a few drinks to unwind and that was his day. Well, I don’t know how it happened exactly.. but mom started to drink with him.. more than him .. and it continued to spiral. I don’t think I realized it at first. That my mom had a problem. That the behaviors she was exhibiting towards me weren’t just the fact that she had “changed.” No.. I didn’t realize. Now, I do.

It’s been about 5 years now. My mom and I have spoken maybe three or four times on the phone in the past year. One of those times, being today.  Every time we speak.. I am left… broken. I hurt for her and what she is going through. I wonder where and how she got so far off track. Today was no different. She says incredibly cruel and hurtful things about me, my husband, and my children. She criticizes me and seemingly thinks that I do or don’t do things in order to hurt and punish her. I realize after years of tears, pain,and sorting through these hurtful words from her that it’s the alcohol speaking and not her.. some days it just makes me wonder.. what if, what if.

I speak to her husband from time to time. He and I have formed some sort of bond over the years. He keeps me updated on her progress and gives me the general “minutes” of her well being. Tommy is a good man… who receives most of the blame from her. If it wasn’t for his drinking .. or his lifestyle, you get the point. Mom blames everyone else.. never looking inward. It’s never her.. it’s always some one else.. that did something to her.

 

I have lived with anger, guilt, confusion, and down right depression over my mom and her path right now. I have never blamed myself but have not been able to off the sometimes feeling of having had some sort of role in her choice. I for the most part have let that go. I do know that I cannot help her.. though try as I may at times. It seems that when I do open the door to communication, all hell breaks loose and chaos ensues. So, I try to not communicate with her often.. though my heart yearns at times to be able to call my mother.. share with her about my day or maybe ask her for advice. I yearn for my children to be a part of her life and she theirs. She has still never even met Coraline.

 

Things have gotten worse. After speaking to Tommy today as well, I am told of the last few months. Fights, threats of suicide, depression, belligerent behavior, and all of it due to alcohol. I sometimes hesitate to answer the phone when Tommy calls, terrified that mom has finally killed herself.. by her own hand or due to her drinking in some way. It breaks my heart.

 

This story has no happy ending. Not yet, at least. My mom is the focus of my prayers most days.. and hope still lies deep down in my heart. While running to the store today.. this song came on my ipod.. Suiting to say the least. I broke into tears.

 

 

“It wasn’t me, I wasn’t there
I was just watching from over here
And besides, I couldn’t afford the bus fare
In Hollywood and Washington
They shake and smile through the harm they’ve done
But it’s your little red wagon and you gotta pull it

It’ll take a lifetime to clear your name
Under the bridges of fame it’s always nighttime
It wasn’t me, I wasn’t there
I was stone drunk, it isn’t clear
And it doesn’t count cause I don’t care
The years transform my memories
Of all the countless decades of grief
It was cut and run in ’91

Put yourselves in a straightjacket
But when you’re pleading
Saying it’s no cheaper than humiliation
That’s free…
That’s free…
That’s free…

I’ve gone and quit my worshipping
Of the false gods and golden sins
Cause we’ve made love in the Tower of Babel and it fell down

It wasn’t me, I wasn’t there
That was not my love affair
That is not my lover, that’s not even my friend
It wasn’t me, I wasn’t there
I was stone drunk, it isn’t clear
And it doesn’t count cause I don’t care

But I use a pop song to clear my name
Under the bridges of fame it’s always  nighttime
I’ll end with a closure and say goodnight” — Jenny Lewis